Ive come to the conclusion that golf is fake.
Its taken me many years, and four trips to the golf course - 45 holes total - to decide that, but it has to be true. There is no way someone can take a stick, hit a motionless ball laying on the ground, and have it go pretty much where they want it to. Impossible.
My latest adventure, and thus my "mind making upper" outing, happened two days ago. I went to a course I had never played, which, honestly, is most of them, but this one pretty much kicked my butt.
Derek and I planned on playing 18 holes - the first time I attempted such a thing - and we hoped not to make fools of ourselves doing so. Didnt go so well.
We arrived about 45 minutes early and decided we should practice a bit before our tee time, so we go to check in and the guy says "Would you like to tee off early?" and we responded with a regrettable, "Sure, why not." Not that practicing would have made us Tiger Woods, but perhaps it would have made us a little bit less "Sam and Derek."
Anywho, we hop in our cart, and sit patiently for the groups in front of us to go and we actually - jokingly? - contemplated just sitting right where we were for the rest of our time there - the shade was nice, we had alot of water, and we werent exactly anxious to hack up the course. Sadly, the groups finished and the only people waiting to go was us, so I stepped on the gas and we made our way to the first tee.
Before we even hit our first ball, things went down hill. A guy approaches me, tells me his name, and says that he was told to join us. NO! So I smile and say ok and he says "So whats your name?" And I go "Sam... and by the way, we suck." There, right from the beginning, I let the guy know he was in for a world of hurt. I couldnt have been more up front if I tried. So he was warned.
So, after a few misses, we tee off... horribly... and then the guy tees off... not so horribly... and we were left picking our egos up off the grass. And this same pattern would continue, hole after hole, shot after shot, for about 6 holes until the guy finally says to us "Umm... Im just gonna go ahead." Thank you!
So now the dude joins another group, leaving us to fend for ourselves. And Id like to say we overcame the odds, and conquered the course, but that could not be any farther from the truth. I wont focus on Dereks foibles and follies, that would be mean, but lets just say he was right there with me.
As for myself, we played 18 holes, and I lost at least a dozen golf balls. Seriously. They either went into one of the many water hazards, or I hit them so far out of bounds that finding them became impossible. Primarily, its cuz I suck, but on this particular day I just happened to have developed an absurdly ridiculous right hook to every single tee shot. I was clueless how to correct it, so it finally got to the point where I literally starting teeing off hard left, so that when it hooked right Id actually be somewhere near the center of the fairway.
It worked ok for the most part, except for one hole, and one shot, that in theory is impossible, except that it did happen. Ill attempt to explain this... on this hole, if you were to tee off straight, you would have hit directly into woods. So, you either had to try and hit up and over, or try and curve the ball around. Me, not being skilled enough to do either, I figured Id just continue to hit hard left, let it curve right, and hopefully Id be ok. So I step up to the tee, take my swing, and left it goes... then right it goes... and its not stopping going to the right. I realize how stupid this sounds, but the ball almost made a "U". Apparently I was using Australian balls, cuz the darn thing tried to come back to me.
We finally managed to survive the course, and three hours later we pulled the cart back into its spot and went for a much deserved meal. Well, I ate, Derek asked the cute waitress for a doggy bag cuz his tummy was full.
Anywho, golf is fake, and dont try and tell me otherwise.
-- DBW --
Friday, August 08, 2008
Itchy
Guess who --
In recent weeks, Ive been taking the bus on a regular basis, which is kinda cool cuz only on public transportation can a "normal" guy sit in far too close a proximity to lesbian crack whore hookers, a guy screaming in an ancient Aztec tongue, or people who deem it their obligation to loudly share their music with their fellow passengers and sometimes feel the need to sing it to them also.
Which brings me to my point... why is it that people feel compelled to force their music onto others? The other day Im on the bus and Im sitting across for a woman who has a cell phone, and she has the thing turned up as load as it will go, and shes playing some song. Once it ends, she replays it. Over. And over. And over. And shes singing along to it, and I have to add, very badly.
Then today, I take a seat close to a guy who I nicknamed "Rex" for reasons I shall go to Hell for, and he too was playing his music for the world. At least Im pretty sure thats what was going on, but I cant be positive cuz his "singing" drowned out most of the sound coming from his music box. And, to make matters worse, Im literally like 5 feet from him, his singing loudly, and I have no clue what hes saying. None. It was just total gibberish and... oh, I get it, he was probably listening to rap. Makes sense now.
Anywho, dont you people know that headphones were invented for a reason? Its so people like me, who wish to ride in peace and quiet, dont have to listen to your horrible country rap and even worse singing.
Another.....
It also annoys me when I get to the bus stop early, and patiently sit on the bench and wait for the bus to arrive, only to have someone arrive at the last minute and jump on the bus in front of me.
Think about anything else in the world, be it in line for food, for a ride at an amusement park, death row... where else, besides a bus stop, do people feel its ok to just jump ahead of everyone else that was there before them? Thats just rude.
Another.....
I wish that all bathrooms, public and private, would come with either sound proof doors, or some kind of white noise generator so that the person inside can do whatever without fear of embarrassment, and so that those outside dont have to listen to those without shame. Is that too much to ask?
Another.....
If you walk up to a bathroom door, and its locked, it means someone is in there. It doest mean to try and turn the handle again, or push harder on the door, it means wait your turn. Its also very annoying to stand outside a locked bathroom door and do things to make the person hurry up, like coughing or repeatedly trying the door again and again. Doing any of these things gives the person inside performance anxiety and makes you look like a jerk, so just go about your business, let them do theirs, and come back in a few minutes.
I feel better now.
Til next time...
-- DBW --
In recent weeks, Ive been taking the bus on a regular basis, which is kinda cool cuz only on public transportation can a "normal" guy sit in far too close a proximity to lesbian crack whore hookers, a guy screaming in an ancient Aztec tongue, or people who deem it their obligation to loudly share their music with their fellow passengers and sometimes feel the need to sing it to them also.
Which brings me to my point... why is it that people feel compelled to force their music onto others? The other day Im on the bus and Im sitting across for a woman who has a cell phone, and she has the thing turned up as load as it will go, and shes playing some song. Once it ends, she replays it. Over. And over. And over. And shes singing along to it, and I have to add, very badly.
Then today, I take a seat close to a guy who I nicknamed "Rex" for reasons I shall go to Hell for, and he too was playing his music for the world. At least Im pretty sure thats what was going on, but I cant be positive cuz his "singing" drowned out most of the sound coming from his music box. And, to make matters worse, Im literally like 5 feet from him, his singing loudly, and I have no clue what hes saying. None. It was just total gibberish and... oh, I get it, he was probably listening to rap. Makes sense now.
Anywho, dont you people know that headphones were invented for a reason? Its so people like me, who wish to ride in peace and quiet, dont have to listen to your horrible country rap and even worse singing.
Another.....
It also annoys me when I get to the bus stop early, and patiently sit on the bench and wait for the bus to arrive, only to have someone arrive at the last minute and jump on the bus in front of me.
Think about anything else in the world, be it in line for food, for a ride at an amusement park, death row... where else, besides a bus stop, do people feel its ok to just jump ahead of everyone else that was there before them? Thats just rude.
Another.....
I wish that all bathrooms, public and private, would come with either sound proof doors, or some kind of white noise generator so that the person inside can do whatever without fear of embarrassment, and so that those outside dont have to listen to those without shame. Is that too much to ask?
Another.....
If you walk up to a bathroom door, and its locked, it means someone is in there. It doest mean to try and turn the handle again, or push harder on the door, it means wait your turn. Its also very annoying to stand outside a locked bathroom door and do things to make the person hurry up, like coughing or repeatedly trying the door again and again. Doing any of these things gives the person inside performance anxiety and makes you look like a jerk, so just go about your business, let them do theirs, and come back in a few minutes.
I feel better now.
Til next time...
-- DBW --
Friday, July 11, 2008
Two front teeth
Howdy --
One second youre completely fine, everything is perfectly normal, youre having a conversation, and then the very next second vomit wants to expel itself from your mouth. That very scenario has happened twice in my life, the latest was yesterday at the dentist office.
Yesterday was my final dental appointment and I was getting my temporary front crowns removed and replaced with my permanent ones. I was sitting in the chair and the assistant told me she was going to take them out and I asked "Is this going to hurt?" She said, "It shouldnt." She didnt lie, the removal didnt hurt, not even a bit.Then I took a deep breath...
The air rushed in, up, around, and past my now exposed teeth, the pain was extreme, my stomach got queasy, and it took all I had to keep from throwing up. I fought it, kept it inside, and the next thing I know the room starts spinning, light is starting to fade, and I actually had to sit up and put my head between my legs to keep myself from passing out.
I can honestly say I have never been more relieved to see a needle in my life. The doc came in, I was totally numb, and life was good again. Moral of the story, make sure drugs are handy before you say "Is this going to hurt?"
Til next time...
-- DBW --
Monday, June 02, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Great white hope
Im not really a boxing fan. Ill catch the occasional free fight on tv, but I wont pay any amount of money for one of their pay per views. However, a recent bout caught my attention. Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins VS Joe Calzaghe.
Not being a true fan, I have to admit I had no clue who Joe was. But I did know Bernard, and I knew he was a really good fighter, and in my mind, I just assumed Joe would taste defeat quickly. Little did I know, Joe was actually very well skilled. My bad.
The reason I was interested in the fight was not because I was expecting some pugilistic masterpiece, but because someone I was familiar with, someone I "knew", someone I thought was above the whole color thing, decided to go and insert race into the fight.
Yes, Bernard Hopkins, a black fighter, said about Joe Calzaghe "I would never let a white boy beat me. I would never lose to a white boy. I couldn't go back to the projects if I let a white boy beat me."
Not only did he call him "white" but he also called him a "boy." Could you imagine the uproar if it was the other way around? Could you imagine how the media would vilify Joe - and rightfully so - if he had said "I would never let a black boy beat me. I would never lose to a black boy. I couldn't go back to the suburbs if I let a black boy beat me"?
So seeing as I hate racism, no matter whos doing the offending, I was anxious to see just what would happen once they got into the ring. And I wasnt disappointed. In a split decision, "white boy" Joe Calzaghe beat Bernard "The Racist Executioner" Hopkins, and in the process becoming the new champion.
However, Mr Hopkins is in complete denial of the whole thing and swears "I won a unanimous decision." Seriously, he said that. But, he didnt say it from the projects cuz they locked the gates and wont let him in.
Til we meet again...
-- DBW --
Not being a true fan, I have to admit I had no clue who Joe was. But I did know Bernard, and I knew he was a really good fighter, and in my mind, I just assumed Joe would taste defeat quickly. Little did I know, Joe was actually very well skilled. My bad.
The reason I was interested in the fight was not because I was expecting some pugilistic masterpiece, but because someone I was familiar with, someone I "knew", someone I thought was above the whole color thing, decided to go and insert race into the fight.
Yes, Bernard Hopkins, a black fighter, said about Joe Calzaghe "I would never let a white boy beat me. I would never lose to a white boy. I couldn't go back to the projects if I let a white boy beat me."
Not only did he call him "white" but he also called him a "boy." Could you imagine the uproar if it was the other way around? Could you imagine how the media would vilify Joe - and rightfully so - if he had said "I would never let a black boy beat me. I would never lose to a black boy. I couldn't go back to the suburbs if I let a black boy beat me"?
So seeing as I hate racism, no matter whos doing the offending, I was anxious to see just what would happen once they got into the ring. And I wasnt disappointed. In a split decision, "white boy" Joe Calzaghe beat Bernard "The Racist Executioner" Hopkins, and in the process becoming the new champion.
However, Mr Hopkins is in complete denial of the whole thing and swears "I won a unanimous decision." Seriously, he said that. But, he didnt say it from the projects cuz they locked the gates and wont let him in.
Til we meet again...
-- DBW --
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Elvis has mislead me
Been awhile, eh?
So I get off work, and on my way home, I decide to make a quick stop at my backyard grocery store - and by back yard, I really do mean its right behind my house. So Im walking through endless aisles of food, trying to find something to eat, and yet nothing is jumping off the shelves at me. Funny how whenever you have so many choices, you can never decide on anything. Just like with cable tv, 700+ channels, and nothing is on. Odd.
Anywho. So Im walking around and finally I get an idea... peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Not ever having one before, I decide this is a splendid idea and proceed to gather the makings of it. A scant few minutes later, Im in my house and fixing me a trio of goodness.
Yes, in my infinite wisdom, I decided that not only will I partake in one of these treats, but I shall have three at once. If Elvis liked them, then they have to be good.
Unfortunately, I should have realized that Elvis ate a bunch of crap, and if you were to have buttered up an old shoe and stuck a banana in it, he probably would have eaten that too. but I thought of no such thing and thus I took my first bite of the sandwich and was immediately underwhelmed. I took a second, and then a third, and I can honestly say, with total sincerity, that I couldnt taste a damn thing. It was like the banana cancelled out the peanut butter, and the peanut butter cancelled out the banana, and all I was left with was a big pile of mush between two pieces of bread.
I managed to choke down all three sandwiches and vowed to never "enjoy" any of these "treats" again.
If there was any good that came out of this, its that I can finally cross "peanut butter and banana sandwiches" off my "Things To Do" list. Umm... woohoo?
Til next time
-- DBW --
So I get off work, and on my way home, I decide to make a quick stop at my backyard grocery store - and by back yard, I really do mean its right behind my house. So Im walking through endless aisles of food, trying to find something to eat, and yet nothing is jumping off the shelves at me. Funny how whenever you have so many choices, you can never decide on anything. Just like with cable tv, 700+ channels, and nothing is on. Odd.
Anywho. So Im walking around and finally I get an idea... peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Not ever having one before, I decide this is a splendid idea and proceed to gather the makings of it. A scant few minutes later, Im in my house and fixing me a trio of goodness.
Yes, in my infinite wisdom, I decided that not only will I partake in one of these treats, but I shall have three at once. If Elvis liked them, then they have to be good.
Unfortunately, I should have realized that Elvis ate a bunch of crap, and if you were to have buttered up an old shoe and stuck a banana in it, he probably would have eaten that too. but I thought of no such thing and thus I took my first bite of the sandwich and was immediately underwhelmed. I took a second, and then a third, and I can honestly say, with total sincerity, that I couldnt taste a damn thing. It was like the banana cancelled out the peanut butter, and the peanut butter cancelled out the banana, and all I was left with was a big pile of mush between two pieces of bread.
I managed to choke down all three sandwiches and vowed to never "enjoy" any of these "treats" again.
If there was any good that came out of this, its that I can finally cross "peanut butter and banana sandwiches" off my "Things To Do" list. Umm... woohoo?
Til next time
-- DBW --
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Penny for my thought
Hola yall --
Wanna know a secret? I have horrible short term memory. Basically I can be thinking about something and then... umm... crap! I had a thought I was gonna say, but I cant remember what it was.
I can literally be standing in one room, have a thought, walk to the next room, and the thought will have completely disappeared from my head. Gone. Its incredibly frustrating because sometimes theyre good thoughts, sometimes theyre important thoughts, but... I just cant remember. Sometimes theyll eventually show up again, but not quickly. And alot of the time, not when I can do anything about them.
A couple days ago I was in the shower, and I had thought of something I wanted to check on the computer when I got out. I turned around to reach for the soap, turned back around to face the water and... I had totally forgotten what I wanted to do. The thought still has not come back to me.
If this was something new for me, I think Id be a bit worried, but Ive had this problem for as long as I can remember. Ha! Theres kind of a joke there. And its only the short term memory that I have issues with. My long term is just fine. I can recall events, conversations, pretty much anything... as long as it didnt happen in the past two minutes.
I dont suppose theres a cure, or any other sort of help for this is there? And if there is, can someone write it down for me instead of whispering it in my ear, just my luck, Ill forget it.
Til next time...
-- DBW --
Wanna know a secret? I have horrible short term memory. Basically I can be thinking about something and then... umm... crap! I had a thought I was gonna say, but I cant remember what it was.
I can literally be standing in one room, have a thought, walk to the next room, and the thought will have completely disappeared from my head. Gone. Its incredibly frustrating because sometimes theyre good thoughts, sometimes theyre important thoughts, but... I just cant remember. Sometimes theyll eventually show up again, but not quickly. And alot of the time, not when I can do anything about them.
A couple days ago I was in the shower, and I had thought of something I wanted to check on the computer when I got out. I turned around to reach for the soap, turned back around to face the water and... I had totally forgotten what I wanted to do. The thought still has not come back to me.
If this was something new for me, I think Id be a bit worried, but Ive had this problem for as long as I can remember. Ha! Theres kind of a joke there. And its only the short term memory that I have issues with. My long term is just fine. I can recall events, conversations, pretty much anything... as long as it didnt happen in the past two minutes.
I dont suppose theres a cure, or any other sort of help for this is there? And if there is, can someone write it down for me instead of whispering it in my ear, just my luck, Ill forget it.
Til next time...
-- DBW --
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