Friday, August 08, 2008

Teed off

Ive come to the conclusion that golf is fake.

Its taken me many years, and four trips to the golf course - 45 holes total - to decide that, but it has to be true. There is no way someone can take a stick, hit a motionless ball laying on the ground, and have it go pretty much where they want it to. Impossible.

My latest adventure, and thus my "mind making upper" outing, happened two days ago. I went to a course I had never played, which, honestly, is most of them, but this one pretty much kicked my butt.
Derek and I planned on playing 18 holes - the first time I attempted such a thing - and we hoped not to make fools of ourselves doing so. Didnt go so well.
We arrived about 45 minutes early and decided we should practice a bit before our tee time, so we go to check in and the guy says "Would you like to tee off early?" and we responded with a regrettable, "Sure, why not." Not that practicing would have made us Tiger Woods, but perhaps it would have made us a little bit less "Sam and Derek."
Anywho, we hop in our cart, and sit patiently for the groups in front of us to go and we actually - jokingly? - contemplated just sitting right where we were for the rest of our time there - the shade was nice, we had alot of water, and we werent exactly anxious to hack up the course. Sadly, the groups finished and the only people waiting to go was us, so I stepped on the gas and we made our way to the first tee.
Before we even hit our first ball, things went down hill. A guy approaches me, tells me his name, and says that he was told to join us. NO! So I smile and say ok and he says "So whats your name?" And I go "Sam... and by the way, we suck." There, right from the beginning, I let the guy know he was in for a world of hurt. I couldnt have been more up front if I tried. So he was warned.
So, after a few misses, we tee off... horribly... and then the guy tees off... not so horribly... and we were left picking our egos up off the grass. And this same pattern would continue, hole after hole, shot after shot, for about 6 holes until the guy finally says to us "Umm... Im just gonna go ahead." Thank you!
So now the dude joins another group, leaving us to fend for ourselves. And Id like to say we overcame the odds, and conquered the course, but that could not be any farther from the truth. I wont focus on Dereks foibles and follies, that would be mean, but lets just say he was right there with me.
As for myself, we played 18 holes, and I lost at least a dozen golf balls. Seriously. They either went into one of the many water hazards, or I hit them so far out of bounds that finding them became impossible. Primarily, its cuz I suck, but on this particular day I just happened to have developed an absurdly ridiculous right hook to every single tee shot. I was clueless how to correct it, so it finally got to the point where I literally starting teeing off hard left, so that when it hooked right Id actually be somewhere near the center of the fairway.
It worked ok for the most part, except for one hole, and one shot, that in theory is impossible, except that it did happen. Ill attempt to explain this... on this hole, if you were to tee off straight, you would have hit directly into woods. So, you either had to try and hit up and over, or try and curve the ball around. Me, not being skilled enough to do either, I figured Id just continue to hit hard left, let it curve right, and hopefully Id be ok. So I step up to the tee, take my swing, and left it goes... then right it goes... and its not stopping going to the right. I realize how stupid this sounds, but the ball almost made a "U". Apparently I was using Australian balls, cuz the darn thing tried to come back to me.

We finally managed to survive the course, and three hours later we pulled the cart back into its spot and went for a much deserved meal. Well, I ate, Derek asked the cute waitress for a doggy bag cuz his tummy was full.

Anywho, golf is fake, and dont try and tell me otherwise.

-- DBW --


Guess who --

In recent weeks, Ive been taking the bus on a regular basis, which is kinda cool cuz only on public transportation can a "normal" guy sit in far too close a proximity to lesbian crack whore hookers, a guy screaming in an ancient Aztec tongue, or people who deem it their obligation to loudly share their music with their fellow passengers and sometimes feel the need to sing it to them also.
Which brings me to my point... why is it that people feel compelled to force their music onto others? The other day Im on the bus and Im sitting across for a woman who has a cell phone, and she has the thing turned up as load as it will go, and shes playing some song. Once it ends, she replays it. Over. And over. And over. And shes singing along to it, and I have to add, very badly.
Then today, I take a seat close to a guy who I nicknamed "Rex" for reasons I shall go to Hell for, and he too was playing his music for the world. At least Im pretty sure thats what was going on, but I cant be positive cuz his "singing" drowned out most of the sound coming from his music box. And, to make matters worse, Im literally like 5 feet from him, his singing loudly, and I have no clue what hes saying. None. It was just total gibberish and... oh, I get it, he was probably listening to rap. Makes sense now.
Anywho, dont you people know that headphones were invented for a reason? Its so people like me, who wish to ride in peace and quiet, dont have to listen to your horrible country rap and even worse singing.


It also annoys me when I get to the bus stop early, and patiently sit on the bench and wait for the bus to arrive, only to have someone arrive at the last minute and jump on the bus in front of me.
Think about anything else in the world, be it in line for food, for a ride at an amusement park, death row... where else, besides a bus stop, do people feel its ok to just jump ahead of everyone else that was there before them? Thats just rude.


I wish that all bathrooms, public and private, would come with either sound proof doors, or some kind of white noise generator so that the person inside can do whatever without fear of embarrassment, and so that those outside dont have to listen to those without shame. Is that too much to ask?


If you walk up to a bathroom door, and its locked, it means someone is in there. It doest mean to try and turn the handle again, or push harder on the door, it means wait your turn. Its also very annoying to stand outside a locked bathroom door and do things to make the person hurry up, like coughing or repeatedly trying the door again and again. Doing any of these things gives the person inside performance anxiety and makes you look like a jerk, so just go about your business, let them do theirs, and come back in a few minutes.

I feel better now.

Til next time...

-- DBW --