Friday, November 13, 2009

Sucks to be: Ken Carson

Ken Carson? Who the Hell is Ken Carson? Until today I didnt know he had a last name, all I knew him as was Ken of "Barbie and Ken." But youre him, and on the surface, your life is awesome. Youre a decent looking dude, you dont seem to be tied down to a job, you apparently always hang out at the beach, and youre banging Barbie. You got it made.

Or do you.

In real life, I work at a major retail establishment - the cool one - and the other day at work I saw a toy called "Barbies Fantasy Groom" and I suddenly realized, it must TOTALLY suck to be Ken.
I get that Barbie is the girl equivalent of GI Joe, and shes supposed to make girls feel great about themselves and whatever, but even as a little boy I had female GI Joe figures. Not "Nancy: GI Joes secretary" or "Sue: GI Joes housekeeper" but Scarlett (counter intelligence), Lady Jay (covert ops), Jinx (ninja), and Baroness (bad ass bitch). But with Ken, you just get the token male figure. A poorly defined character whos only apparent reason for existence is to be Barbies boyfriend. Its borderline sexist.

Lets look at careers for example. Did you know that theres a whole page on Wikipedia dedicated to Barbies careers? I didnt either. But if ya wanna look:'s_careers
Anywho, Barbie has been a teacher 12 times, in the military 6 times, dabbled in politics 6 times including becoming President, an astronaut 3 times, a flight attendant 9 times, a NASCAR driver once, plus countless other occupations including artist, Sea World trainer, super hero, and Starfleet officer.

Ken? Well, hes Barbies boyfriend.

So hes pretty much never had a job in his life, and his girlfriend has apparently done every job in the world, so his self esteem is probably kinda low. Then it takes another nose dive when his gal of 45 years dumps him - the day before Valentines Day - for an Australian surfer named Blaine. What... a... bitch!
Seriously, I give the dude props for not going into "Barbies Dream Gun Store" and getting a pistol to blow his brains out.
They would stay apart for two years until Barbie got tired of Blaine and moved on to a new career... I mean boyfriend... and got back with good ol' Ken.
So Ken finally has a job, Barbie has slowed down a bit, theyre married and have two kids. Life is just peachy for the Carsons. Yeah, not so much.
Ken is still collecting unemployment, Barbie cant decide what the Hell she wants to do with her life, theres no ring on her finger, no kids running around the house, and - the genesis of this post - Barbie is fantasizing about a groom thats clearly NOT Ken:

But hey, hes Carson, Ken Carson, and lifes not all bad cuz hes Barbies boyfriend and hes giving it to her good! Hes sliding into home every night! Hes putting the biscuit in the basket! The hot dog in the bun! Theyre having hot, wild, plastic toy whoopie. Hes putting his... HUH?! You got to be kidding me!!! Ken has no wee-wee?! Its not small, its non-existent! No wonder the bimbo broke up with him and is dreaming of other guys to marry: Ken Carson is literally built like a Ken doll.

I guess that also explains why he has no kung-fu grip either.

Yes, Ken Carson, it does suck to be you.

-- DBW --

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